Summary.   Confronting direct reports about performance issues can feel overwhelming, especially for first-time managers, who may worry that sharing critical feedback could damage their relationship with the employee. But performance conversations, especially where you need to give critical feedback, don’t have to be scary. There are a few common mistakes to avoid when giving critical feedback. One of the biggest mistakes is avoiding the conversation or waiting too long to have it. Many new managers also fail to properly prepare before their performance discussions. If there are tasks, projects, or skills at which your employee is falling short, you should also be able to give them a clear explanation of why or where they haven’t met your expectations. Some also end up making the issue about the person instead of focusing on the work itself. Being a great people manager is not about being a friend or being liked by everyone all the time — it’s about being a manager who cares about their employees and helps them get their job done.

One of the toughest responsibilities people leaders must take on is confronting their direct reports about performance issues. I still remember how nervous I was giving corrective feedback to a team member as a first-time manager. I didn’t sleep much the night before and leaned heavily on the notes our HR department helped me prepare.

During my career as a CEO and people leader, I watched many new managers struggle with these conversations. We humans have an innate desire to be liked and to belong. Confrontation of any kind can threaten that, and leaders who are new to performance conversations often feel this the most. They fear that sharing critical feedback might damage their reporting relationships.

If you can relate to this experience, don’t worry. While performance conversations are rarely easy, through time and repetition, your communication skills and comfort giving critical feedback will improve. There are, however, some common mistakes people make when they’re just starting out. To help you avoid them and gain more confidence in your approach, let’s talk about what not to do during performance conversations — and what to do instead.

Mistake 1: Waiting Too Long to Have the Conversation

Avoiding a difficult performance conversation is not good for anyone. For your team member, it can be deeply damaging, especially if it means they lose the opportunity to make amends.

Performance problems typically don’t get better with time — they need to be addressed thoughtfully to work toward a resolution. The best approach, in my experience, is to give critical feedback at the time or as close as possible to when an issue occurs. Don’t wait for a series of small problems to snowball before giving someone corrective feedback, even if it means addressing outside of a formal review.

You can set your team member up for success by giving them a heads-up about the discussion; for example: “I noticed you missed your last deadline on the project. I’d like to meet later this week to talk about what happened and how we can avoid it in the future.” This way, they won’t be surprised by the topic of discussion, and you can both prepare beforehand.

Mistake 2: Not Preparing Enough

Many new managers fail to properly prepare before their performance discussions. But preparation is critical for a productive conversation. This is even more true if you plan to share critical feedback.

You should enter the conversation with an understanding of your employee’s responsibilities, as well as your own expectations around how and when they should be meeting their goals. You should be able to name both their strengths and development areas. If there are tasks, projects, or skills at which your employee is falling short, you should also be able to give them a clear explanation of why or where they haven’t met your expectations.

This is why preparation is so important. Before the meeting, ask yourself:

• What am I expecting this employee to achieve in their role this quarter?

• Are my expectations reasonable, and have they been communicated?

• Am I able to explain how their work contributes to the larger team goals?

• If I believe they are falling short, what evidence do I have to support that?

• Can I give them examples of what’s not working?

• What guidance will help them get back on track?

Giving your team member practical examples of where expectations are not being met and how that’s impacting the team or organizational goals will help them understand why you’re bringing up the issue. Focusing your explanation on the work — and not the individual traits of the person — is more likely to get you a respectful (as opposed to a defensive) response. Instead of saying, “You didn’t give your best on Project X. I am quite disappointed in you,” you could say, “I feel that you could have done much better on the trend analysis for Project X. Had we reviewed the data more deeply, we would have noticed the gap in our offering and our team would have won the bid. I know you can do better, so I am disappointed in how that report came out.”

Mistake 3: Not Asking the Right Questions

Your performance conversation should be a two-way street, particularly when it comes to critical feedback. To provide your employee with useful guidance, you need to uncover what’s driving their poor performance. Asking the right questions will help you do that.

Instead of starting the conversation by making conclusive statements like, “You’re not fully focused on your work these days,” ask open-ended questions such as, “How are you feeling about the job?” or “How are things going in your role?” Questions like these can help you understand the other person’s perspective, including any concerns or challenges they may be struggling with. Knowing where they’re coming from will allow you to give advice that addresses the actual problem — rather than what you think the problem is.

When your employee speaks, suspend judgement and listen actively. There are many possible reasons for poor performance, and each demands a different course of action. In my experience, some common causes include:

• Personal issues such as poor health or family problems

• A lack of skills or experience needed to do the job

• A lack of clear direction around your expectations

• A poor attitude or lack of motivation

Finally, remember that open questions can help you build trust with your direct report. If your relationship is on the newer side, however, be patient. It may take several discussions to get on the same page and come up with next steps.

Mistake 4: Making the Issue About the Person

When you go into a performance conversation, are you there as an enemy or an ally? A manager who enters the discussion with an adversarial tone — for example, by saying, “You’re not meeting my expectations,” or “You’ve messed this up and now the project will suffer” — is pitting themselves against the employee.

Instead, focus on the work itself — not the person. Position yourself as a facilitator between the company’s needs and your employee’s needs, capability, and performance. You can do this by taking a third-party approach. For instance, you can make an objective and honest observation by saying something like, “The team needs to make progress on this project, and your skills are important for us to get there. But I’ve also noticed you’re facing some challenges in hitting your target goals by the deadline we’ve discussed.” Then, follow up with your open-ended question: “Can you tell me what’s been going on from your perspective?”

Taking on the role as facilitator significantly reduces the emotional pressure you may feel during difficult conversations. It also reduces the chance that your employee will feel personally attacked by your feedback. If you show genuine care in the other person’s development, they will usually sense it and understand you’re trying to help them improve.

Mistake 5: Not Creating a Roadmap for Improvement

Critical feedback doesn’t end with you simply giving directions. After identifying the factors affecting an employee’s performance, work with them on a plan to address the issues raised. Skipping this step leaves your employee without a roadmap for improvement and nothing to measure their progress by.

Begin by documenting the areas of concern and the actions to be taken to improve their performance. This should be done in consultation with the employee so that they understand what’s expected of them, and it may take a few meetings to put into place. Include milestones and check-in dates where you can meet to give them feedback on their progress and learn how it’s going from their perspective.

If they’re hitting roadblocks, you can use these check-ins to address those and tweak the plan as needed. Set an agreed-upon and reasonable date to draw the process to an end, which will vary depending on the progress being made.

Lastly, remember that how you say something and the words you use to express your feedback and intentions makes all the difference. You can provide the most difficult or harsh feedback in a humane and caring way if you think of it as helping develop your employee. That said, there will be people who won’t accept that they have performance issues and will not be happy with you for confronting them. That’s okay.

Unfortunately, being a great people manager is not about being a friend or being liked by everyone all the time. People want a boss who cares about them and helps them get their job done. A great people manager can communicate their organization’s strategic intent and how their team members’ work is contributing to it.